Trying to find "normal"

It’s been over three months since I last posted. I have wanted to post, but yet I didn’t. I wasn’t sure why, until I gave it a good think over the past few weeks.

I’ve been seeking "normal".

I know what my new normal is. I have a very dangerous cancer floating around in my body. I’m killing the tumor, but there’s a very high risk that it comes back and starts growing where it shouldn’t. Yes, I am on a clinical trial to try to delay this from happening.

But this isn’t the normal I was seeking. I was seeking normal from before.

I realize this is a fools errand. But I am not convinced it’s foolish, as I understand that normal isn’t something I will ever find again. So why seek it?

During the past three months I’ve gotten back to being more aggressive with my life. There were times when I would avoid activities or opportunities because they were inconvienent.

I blame my friends from college. A crazy number of them drove 2-3 hours into town or even flew in from around the country to have a reunion of sorts. Yes, my cancer was the excuse, but this was something I should have been doing all along. I should have been seeing my friends more often, even if only for a few hours. We had a tremendous time at a Columbus Crew match, and enjoyed a few hours together. I was exhausted by the end of the night due to my trial medication and the heat of the day, but it was all worth it.

What happened next? We had an opportunity to go to Orlando for a few days. We were fortunate enough to be able to schedule it during some teacher in service days. The kids only missed two days of school and we enjoyed some family time. Yes, the heat made me grouchy and tired, but we all worked through it at had a great time.

I had an opportunity to go on a Columbus Crew fan podcast. I told stories about when I was really hardcore into the team in its early years. I also explained ocular melanoma and encouraged everyone to get their eyes dialated. I also got to meet World Cup legend Frankie Hejduk. I was exhausted at the end of the night, and was the only sober person…​but that’s trial medication for you, alcohol tastes like garbage.

When Hockey Fights Cancer Night hit Nationwide Arena, the radio broadcasting team asked for tweets about how cancer had impacted their lives. I told the story about how I watched Blue Jackets playoff games from the hotel room in Philadelphia. I linked to the posts here. I later learned that the lead radio broadcaster had lost his father to cutaneous melanoma. He was touched by what I had written. He shared my story to the Blue Jackets fans, and I noticed several new visitors here.

My appearance on Aces Radio, and CBJ 30in30, reached thousands of people. Most of whom have no knowledge of cancer of the eye. I cannot express how much joy it brings me to be able to share my story and hopefully help others.

Just three weeks ago, I went to the dentist. My hygenist and I were talking about my medications, and I had to bring up my trial. She mentioned that she had just gone to the eye doctor and they saw a freckle. They mentioned that they would have to watch it, but they really didn’t express why they needed to. I looked at her and said, listen, for as long as I am around, I am going to ask you about that freckle. If that thing starts growing, you let me know, and I will get you to a specialist. She looked shocked. I said, listen, you have a gift. You know its there, and even though the chances are low that it becomes something bad, you know that it can. If you notice something change, do not think its nothing. Get an expert to look at it.

And that’s when I began to realize, I’ll never have normal again. Old me would have never been so blunt with a complete stranger. New me knows its part of my humanity to educate. So, no, I’m never going to find normal again. But I’m going to keep talking and I’m going to live life aggressively. Normal isn’t an option anymore, even if I may long for those calmer days.